Monday, February 26, 2007

Fun With Tom Kyte

As devoted readers may have noticed, my new job doesn't involve nearly as much work with Oracle. I stay sharp by reading Ask Tom, the very site that has provided me with 90% of the answers that I can't find in Oracle documentation or figure out on my own.

Those of you who may find it nerdly to spend lunch hours reading Oracle Q&A are actually really missing out. It's far more entertaining than you may realise. To prove my point, just from posts updated in the past week alone, here are some little hilarious comments that can only come from Tom Kyte.

1. Archiving Huge Database

This question is a tad vague, ambiguous and unanswerable. How long is a piece of string?

2. Internationalization

Translation table used for processing input was:

wud = would
u = you
ur = your
abt = about

I think your keyboard might be on the fritz? Vowels are disappearing left and right

3. SQL Query

Joins are not evil.

Databases were BORN to join.

Joins are not evil.

4. Collection Variable Types

Your naming convention would drive me utterly nuts

5. What Don't You Like About Oracle?

*((char*)0) = "go away";

6. Backup Recovery

You have done it totally wrong.

Do it right.

Look - there is one thing and one thing only a DBA is not allowed to mess up. We can fix everything EXCEPT a bad backup. Everything else is just a mistake. Screwing up your backups is far far beyond a mistake -- it is grounds for immediate "good bye, you are the weakest link".

Could you, in theory, perhaps -- maybe -- get lucky and be able to use them? maybe, sometimes, on Tuesday when it is raining.

Is it smart (NOT)
Is it the right way (NOT)
Is it even a teeny tiny bit reliable (NOT)

I fail to see how your example even "makes sense".


Q: TOM you are not only expert of Oracle but also Windows.....Thanks it worked.

A: I think I've just been insulted :)

7. Fast Refresh is Taking Longer Than Complete Refresh of Materialized View

Just set:


in the init.ora.

Sorry - it is Monday and my sense of humor is just getting warmed up :)

8. REDO Logs Generated from PL/SQL

Allow me to be blunt. That would be stupid. 100%.

9. Logminer

Tell the DBA ok

They will hate themselves for totally messing up their lives.

I don't know what else to say - this is a horrible idea, a great way for the DBA to ensure they have a job for life - but a job that no human being would actually want.

10. Designing Tables

Q: How can we achieve, easier developer understanding of the table design, without one explaining the table design document / ER Model.
A: Telepathy I suppose?

BONUS: The All-Time Classic

Oracle Database

Q: Dear tom can u tell me the meaning of recursive query?

"U" is not available.

I have never met this "U" person.

Do you know how to contact "U" - they get a lot of requests, it would be great if I could pass the questions on to them.

May "I" answer the question?

Ok, I laughed out loud at this myself.

The answer to #3 is *almost* a great haiku. One extra syllable in the middle though!
Robert, good humourous summary...sure gives us a few chuckles...and the scary thing is...the Internet is forever!! :0
Excellent stuff, thanks for pointing that out.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I always liked:

The limitation was taken off but i am still getting the same error, or can you please comment on
the query.


Followup September 17, 2003 - 6pm US/Eastern:

the query lines up very nicely.
Another good one:

Q: What will happen if i change something in Dual?

A: I will never talk to you again.

Don't do it.

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